Loud Silence

One of the biggest adjustments to my “new normal” is how loud silence is. May seem odd to some, but to me it is deafening. I’m an unapologetic extrovert – I get my energy from others around me. I think as I speak (sometimes I really do need a 5-second broadcast delay), but ideas come to me while talking. I brainstorm best in group situations. I talk to people around me. If you are excited, I can literally feed off your energy and get equally excited for you. Want to know what one of the levels of my personal hell is? Silent isolation. Guess where I am the majority of my day. You guessed it. Alone – with blaring silence to ignore.   

I stay busy – but the silence chases me. I refuse to turn on the TV – because I don’t want to fall into the trap of losing large chunks of time to a Bravo marathon. Plus I’ve learned – I don’t love Bravo as much without wine. I swore off drinking a few weeks ago. I could see a slippery slope for myself – and then I saw Elizabeth Vargas on 20/20 – and it scared the hell out of me. Her words sent chills down my spine. But that isn’t my point today. My point is Bravo + wine = awesome. Bravo + green tea = really rich bimbos/thugs/punk/wannabes who need to not have a camera crew following them. Also I do have a job. My job is to find my currently-hidden-blessing (aka my next job). I force myself into my office each morning and afternoon to pimp (job search), but the drudgery of silence and isolation absolutely drain me.

I give myself breaks – some house tidying, meal prep and my beloved workout break. You all know I <3 crossfit for many reasons. The challenges, the empowerment but most of all the camaraderie. I know each time I walk into C3 that I’m going to be around awesome people. Awesome people are the best booster, and the people at C3 are like a nitro-charged refuel for me. That is the renewed energy I survive on.

Exercise is the only thing that keeps me out of the dark hole, but my need for exercise has increased for another reason. Since I was the provider of our family’s insurance - I now have to achieve an ideal weight and BMI so that my family can enjoy a more affordable healthcare plan through my husband’s employer. So nutrition and exercise are even more imperative now b/c it is real money at play. So this isn’t a vanity – “hope I look good in my bikini by spring” effort. This is a “get the rest of the weight off once and for all so that when I weigh in for our new incentive-based health insurance – I’m not the reason we have to pay higher monthly rates” reality. Until I find that currently-hidden-blessing, we are a one-income family with a two-income lifestyle. More than changing health insurance looms in our future – and most of it is out of my grasp to control. I can’t control how loud the silence is right now, but what I can control is my nutrition and exercise. Until I return to the peaceful bliss of a fast-paced, deadline driven rat race – that will have to do.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

So hunting for my next hidden blessing is a lot like dating – but worse. The phrase “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” has taken on a new meaning for me. I spend the majority of each day "pimpin" myself to an online job market. I haven’t been on the dating scene in 14 years – but now that I’m seeking my next professional opportunity – all the old stress and emotions of dating have come flooding back into my life. The roller coaster of excitement, disappointment, trying to convince yourself you are a fit for something, the matchmaking, the confidence, the insecurities and the worst - the waiting…

You spend a lot of time getting gussied up. It takes hours to research and craft company-specific resumes, LinkedIn profiles, monster profiles, career builder profiles – it feels a lot like an online dating service. Reading job postings and feeling that surge of excitement when something really seems on paper like it could be a perfect match only to experience the low of the rejection or worse – the silence. Rejection feeds the insecurities that are already festering in your mind.

In our house we use the term black hole to describe when The Hubs and I are in panic, pity and overall freak-out mode. We've agreed that the black hole has be remain tiny. We can’t afford for both of us to be in the black hole at the same time. So we take turns. It’s helpful because hopefully when one of us has slipped into the black hole – one is there to pull the other one out. It’s not perfect – but so far we’re politely taking turns. Right now the most effective way to keep from slipping into the black hole is to workout. Getting to C3 everyday has been a priority for me. In fact I’ve sampled a few class times to see which would fit better into my “new normal” schedule and definitely have found that tackling the WOD before I turn on the computer helps me tremendously. WODs are never easy – and they are designed that way. At the end – you’ve really accomplished something very daunting. You’ve got that accomplishment behind you, and that is rocket fuel for the energy that job-dating requires. Pimpin ain’t easy.

Job Dating Ad

I’m a hard-working, drama-free recently divorced from 12 year relationship (job) and seeking company that likes to have fun while still kicking ass. I have a passion for communicating, an eye for detail and an odd love for logistics. For the right company, I will move mountains to ensure the sun highlights your assets (public relations); diffuse any situation that may detract from success (crisis and internal communications), shout news from the mountain tops (social media) and can throw one hell of a party (event planning). If I sound like your perfect match, hit me up. I would love to use my pimpin skills for your company. 

Future Endeavors

"We wish you well in your future endeavors." I never really thought I'd hear that term directed to me. Sadly, I heard those very words on Monday. Happy New Year to the Whites! There's nothing like standing in the intersection of Suddenly Unemployed and Scared Shitless. I've been dazed and confused from the moment it happened, and this has forced our family into serious evaluation mode for next steps. My hope is this will all lead to a hidden blessing. My prayer is for that blessing to come out of hiding very soon! But what to do until then?

My work was always more than a job - most of my adult identity is tied directly to who I am was at work. Of course I'm planning to do everything in my power to help discover my currently hidden blessing, but I'm also going to take this sudden over-abundance of free time - and use it wisely for my fitness goals. Time constraints have always been my biggest obstacle to overcome. It seems every time I started making real progress, something would erupt at work - projects, conference season, required travel or just an avalanche of four-alarm projects. Perhaps I unknowingly wished for more time - and Santa granted the wish. Regardless - I'm going to focus on me.

It's an odd sensation for me to not have a job to go to this morning. Knowing my personality - I stand on a slippery slope. I could easily turn on the TV and crawl back into bed, but I fear that will only lead to self-destruction. Instead - I've already put in an hour on the elliptical and dressed to head to CrossFit in a little while. Mapping out my new schedule - will be a balance of workouts and seeking professional opportunities and finally being able to offer school-related volunteering (something I've never had the time to do b/c I never felt I could put that in front of my work).

Learning the company you've loyally served is willing to move on without you is a blow to self-confidence. I'm hopeful the blow will be minimized if I'm seeing progress toward my fitness goals. Nothing boosts confidence and feeling accomplished like setting new PRs. Confidence that will be needed as I dust off a decade-old resume and start interviewing again. As for my "future endeavors" who knows what is in store for us - but I intend to be Harder2Kill both physically and professionally.