Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fearing Success

I have First Day Jitters. I start my new job tomorrow. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if no one sits with me at lunch? What if I get lost? What if they meant to hire someone else? I can seriously continue with the "What if "questions all night. So I'm doing the only thing I know to do and over-sharing with you here.

My last "first day" was over 12 years ago. I was so settled-in to the organization and my role. Neither is necessarily a good thing. I knew the moving parts. I knew where the bodies were buried. Again, not necessarily a good thing. For better or worse, I knew what was expected of me. 

There is something comfortable about the "known", but that also leads to complacency. So far 2014 has been a constant stream of "unknown" and tomorrow is no different. 

The new company has an amazing reputation - both in their industry and within the community. I find comfort in that. The challenge of what I'm being asked to do certainly falls within my comfort zone. However it is to a scale that I could have only dreamed of previously. 

And while I was one of the veterans at my old company, I wasn't insulated from change. I had a constant stream of new bosses. In twelve years, I had 15 bosses. Apparently I'm difficult to manage. If I base my self-confidence on my last boss, I'm sunk before I start. So I'm wiping that from my mind. New bosses are nothing new, except this time it is an entirely new industry to learn. Am I too old to learn?  

So how do I do this? Learn new industry, new-ish town, new company and new colleagues? 

This opportunity is everything we prayed for. It is the very scenario that friends described for me when trying to encourage us. People would say things like, "you are going to get a new job that is even more amazing, more challenging, more rewarding." On your scariest days, you want to believe them. You hope beyond hope that they are correct. The scariest part of receiving the very blessings you pray for, is the idea of messing it up. A million more "What if's...." pollute my thoughts. What if I'm handed this blessing then fall on my face in failure. What if I screw up? We are disrupting our entire family for this opportunity. 

My Dad constantly told me, "The safest place to be is in the center of God's will." I find myself repeating his words, and trying not to trip over my own insecurities. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Moving in, out and on

On the road to Alabama

Today is day that has been planned for and prayed over, but it didn't make it any easier. It is both exciting and scary. Earlier this morning, and 700 miles away, I stood in the foyer with my 3 year-old daughter and we just walked out of our house. Almost like we were just running an errand. She had no idea that she'll never live there again. I remembered the first time I visited this house. She was only a few weeks old, and she was sleeping in her carrier. We left her asleep in the foyer while we explored the house. That day was a magical day. We had just added to our family. We had finalized the sell of our other house, and we were eager to settle into a great community and school for our children. While I had always shuddered at the thought of suburbia, here we were that day - running towards suburbia with open arms.

So to stand in that same foyer 3 years and 2 months later and realize that we were moving out, was quite overwhelming. I was also struck and humbled by the overwhelming trust our children have in us. My daughter only knew we were beginning our "Alabama Adventure" words like moving, new job, this is going to get difficult - have no real meaning to her. So I busied myself with driving and we were off! For the rest of the trip, I absolutely couldn't allow myself to think about the other half of our family remaining behind. My brave 1st grader got on the bus this morning knowing that he'd come home and his sister and mother would be gone. My brave husband went to work knowing that when he came home his daughter and wife would be gone.

This is all a carefully orchestrated plan that The Hubs and I agreed would be best for the family. Yet when the sequence of events starts to occur, you can get washed away by the current of emotions. 

I start my new job on March 17th. I want to get settled in and introduce my daughter to her new school before starting work. 

Today was only the first in a series of events that have to occur over the coming months. Our move to AL is just the start of the dominoes. 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Inadequate Thank You

I love words. I love writing. I especially love the power of words when written well. Yet despite my love of words, I’ve been unable to find appropriate ones lately. No matter how much I try, every attempt falls short of conveying the emotions filling my heart. So here goes and please forgive the inadequacies of the thank you. While 2014 started off with a deafening Kaboom, I have to say that losing my job allowed us to experience the beautiful side of people. So many of you reached out to us with prayers, encouragement, advice, and good old fashioned cheerleading. Your closest friends and family are no surprise. Of course they are the first responders at your side. They are the ones that are triaging you.

But there are other people waiting in the wings that are amazingly helpful.  The former co-worker that goes out of her way to put in a good word for you at her current company. A sorority sister that you haven’t seen in 20 years who reaches out to you to let you know she’s praying for you. The friend from high school that makes an introduction for you to pursue an opportunity. A friend that has previously traveled this same road, and wisely forces you out of yoga pants to attend networking events. The letter from your childhood church letting you know you are being prayed over. The surprise flowers that brighten up a gloomy mood. The jar of dirt that is worth more than gold. A luncheon with women that have seen you at your best and your worst and still love you anyway. People that read Harder2Kill and share their experiences as encouragement. The phone call with your childhood role model that after 20+ years, still has amazing advice to share. The perfectly-timed signs from Heaven that God has a pretty amazing Director of Personnel as one of his angels now.

I owe so much too so many people. Thank You will always inadequately express what each of you did for us throughout the last few months. This journey is a testament to the hidden blessings that are in store for each of us. It has been scary at times, but I believe that I’m stronger yet more humble for this experience. As a family we are closer than ever, although we’ll be separated over the next few months. Many overwhelming logistics yet to figure out, but that is balanced by a sense of calm that only follows a storm. You all enabled us to be harder2kill, and for that, words of appreciation will always be inadequate.