Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fearing Success

I have First Day Jitters. I start my new job tomorrow. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if no one sits with me at lunch? What if I get lost? What if they meant to hire someone else? I can seriously continue with the "What if "questions all night. So I'm doing the only thing I know to do and over-sharing with you here.

My last "first day" was over 12 years ago. I was so settled-in to the organization and my role. Neither is necessarily a good thing. I knew the moving parts. I knew where the bodies were buried. Again, not necessarily a good thing. For better or worse, I knew what was expected of me. 

There is something comfortable about the "known", but that also leads to complacency. So far 2014 has been a constant stream of "unknown" and tomorrow is no different. 

The new company has an amazing reputation - both in their industry and within the community. I find comfort in that. The challenge of what I'm being asked to do certainly falls within my comfort zone. However it is to a scale that I could have only dreamed of previously. 

And while I was one of the veterans at my old company, I wasn't insulated from change. I had a constant stream of new bosses. In twelve years, I had 15 bosses. Apparently I'm difficult to manage. If I base my self-confidence on my last boss, I'm sunk before I start. So I'm wiping that from my mind. New bosses are nothing new, except this time it is an entirely new industry to learn. Am I too old to learn?  

So how do I do this? Learn new industry, new-ish town, new company and new colleagues? 

This opportunity is everything we prayed for. It is the very scenario that friends described for me when trying to encourage us. People would say things like, "you are going to get a new job that is even more amazing, more challenging, more rewarding." On your scariest days, you want to believe them. You hope beyond hope that they are correct. The scariest part of receiving the very blessings you pray for, is the idea of messing it up. A million more "What if's...." pollute my thoughts. What if I'm handed this blessing then fall on my face in failure. What if I screw up? We are disrupting our entire family for this opportunity. 

My Dad constantly told me, "The safest place to be is in the center of God's will." I find myself repeating his words, and trying not to trip over my own insecurities. 

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