Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Loud Silence

One of the biggest adjustments to my “new normal” is how loud silence is. May seem odd to some, but to me it is deafening. I’m an unapologetic extrovert – I get my energy from others around me. I think as I speak (sometimes I really do need a 5-second broadcast delay), but ideas come to me while talking. I brainstorm best in group situations. I talk to people around me. If you are excited, I can literally feed off your energy and get equally excited for you. Want to know what one of the levels of my personal hell is? Silent isolation. Guess where I am the majority of my day. You guessed it. Alone – with blaring silence to ignore.   

I stay busy – but the silence chases me. I refuse to turn on the TV – because I don’t want to fall into the trap of losing large chunks of time to a Bravo marathon. Plus I’ve learned – I don’t love Bravo as much without wine. I swore off drinking a few weeks ago. I could see a slippery slope for myself – and then I saw Elizabeth Vargas on 20/20 – and it scared the hell out of me. Her words sent chills down my spine. But that isn’t my point today. My point is Bravo + wine = awesome. Bravo + green tea = really rich bimbos/thugs/punk/wannabes who need to not have a camera crew following them. Also I do have a job. My job is to find my currently-hidden-blessing (aka my next job). I force myself into my office each morning and afternoon to pimp (job search), but the drudgery of silence and isolation absolutely drain me.

I give myself breaks – some house tidying, meal prep and my beloved workout break. You all know I <3 crossfit for many reasons. The challenges, the empowerment but most of all the camaraderie. I know each time I walk into C3 that I’m going to be around awesome people. Awesome people are the best booster, and the people at C3 are like a nitro-charged refuel for me. That is the renewed energy I survive on.

Exercise is the only thing that keeps me out of the dark hole, but my need for exercise has increased for another reason. Since I was the provider of our family’s insurance - I now have to achieve an ideal weight and BMI so that my family can enjoy a more affordable healthcare plan through my husband’s employer. So nutrition and exercise are even more imperative now b/c it is real money at play. So this isn’t a vanity – “hope I look good in my bikini by spring” effort. This is a “get the rest of the weight off once and for all so that when I weigh in for our new incentive-based health insurance – I’m not the reason we have to pay higher monthly rates” reality. Until I find that currently-hidden-blessing, we are a one-income family with a two-income lifestyle. More than changing health insurance looms in our future – and most of it is out of my grasp to control. I can’t control how loud the silence is right now, but what I can control is my nutrition and exercise. Until I return to the peaceful bliss of a fast-paced, deadline driven rat race – that will have to do.

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