I stay busy – but the silence chases me. I refuse to turn on the TV – because I don’t want to fall into the trap of losing large chunks of time to a Bravo marathon. Plus I’ve learned – I don’t love Bravo as much without wine. I swore off drinking a few weeks ago. I could see a slippery slope for myself – and then I saw Elizabeth Vargas on 20/20 – and it scared the hell out of me. Her words sent chills down my spine. But that isn’t my point today. My point is Bravo + wine = awesome. Bravo + green tea = really rich bimbos/thugs/punk/wannabes who need to not have a camera crew following them. Also I do have a job. My job is to find my currently-hidden-blessing (aka my next job). I force myself into my office each morning and afternoon to pimp (job search), but the drudgery of silence and isolation absolutely drain me.
I give myself breaks – some house tidying, meal prep and my beloved workout break. You all know I <3 crossfit for many reasons. The challenges, the empowerment but most of all the camaraderie. I know each time I walk into C3 that I’m going to be around awesome people. Awesome people are the best booster, and the people at C3 are like a nitro-charged refuel for me. That is the renewed energy I survive on.
Exercise is the only thing that keeps me out of the dark hole, but my need for exercise has increased for another reason. Since I was the provider of our family’s insurance - I now have to achieve an ideal weight and BMI so that my family can enjoy a more affordable healthcare plan through my husband’s employer. So nutrition and exercise are even more imperative now b/c it is real money at play. So this isn’t a vanity – “hope I look good in my bikini by spring” effort. This is a “get the rest of the weight off once and for all so that when I weigh in for our new incentive-based health insurance – I’m not the reason we have to pay higher monthly rates” reality. Until I find that currently-hidden-blessing, we are a one-income family with a two-income lifestyle. More than changing health insurance looms in our future – and most of it is out of my grasp to control. I can’t control how loud the silence is right now, but what I can control is my nutrition and exercise. Until I return to the peaceful bliss of a fast-paced, deadline driven rat race – that will have to do.