Gettin Real (Close)

Plane tix are bought and just looked at the path we'll follow sortof-ish. This trip is getting real close! Once it's mapped, it's not a dream, it's a plan! :)

Beached Body

In life we always talk about being in “deep water” when you are in trouble, but what if the trouble appears when you least expect it? My trouble didn't start in deep water, in fact it was the opposite. I found trouble in shallow water. Very shallow. On Sunday I paddled 10 miles today in 4 hours. Pretty stoked about that. 

Trouble in not-so-deep water

The entire day was awesome except for this one surprise. I took a path between an island and the shore that I’ve taken several times. The difference this time was that it is mid-October and the water levels are going down on the lake. I beached my boat within the first 20 minutes of the paddle. And when I say beached, I mean I ran it aground pretty hard b/c I was warming up and moving at a pretty decent clip, and then suddenly find myself sitting. Not on (or near) the shore. I beached it out in the middle of what looks like open water. Stuck. Alone. A little pushing with paddle. Nothing. Water not deep at all – but was deeper than the top of my waterproof shoes.

Boat Scoot Boogie Selfie

 It was a breezy mid 50’s day, and I really didn’t want to get out and start the long day completely soaked. I was also worried that I would get stuck in the awesome clay bottom of Logan Martin. A few more pushes in either direction and then I was suddenly scared I might break my paddle. Barely a mile from the dock, and I really didn't have a plan B. So I started scooting. Literally, scooting. Similar to when a baby scoots across a floor on their bottom. Yep, that same move – but in a kayak. A technique that I had used a few weeks ago during a precarious launch maneuver. The progress wasn’t much – but it did move. I looked like an idiot, but only the herons were watching. So I kept scooting.

It would have certainly been a shorter distance to back up – but seriously could not figure out how to make the boat scoot backwards. So onward it was. I could see where the water got deeper again, and that may have been the longest 30 yards of my life! I literally “boat scooted” myself to deeper water. Was an awesome ab workout and cardio!

Luckily the rest of the day was drama (and scooting) free. Even managed to pick-up my pace and get faster as the miles went by. Which I hope means I’m ready for the Keys because I’m there a month from today! If you are interested in donating to a cause that means so much to me, I promise the money doesn't fund my trip. It goes directly to the organization that supports so many survivors!. If you want to donate - just push that gorgeous green button in the right-hand corner of the screen. :)

See my split time for mile 1 was 30+ minutes? 12 of those were spent doing the Boat Scoot Boogie! 

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Gray skies, ominous clouds, constant drizzle and a whippy little wind - not exactly the conditions that make you want to drag the kayak to the water. But when you have a training deadline of a three hour paddle due - and an insane work week ahead that is more portentous than the skies above, you pull on your big girl pants (or in this case a trash bag) and hit the water.

Does this garbage bag make me look trashy?

I'll admit it, I wanted to stay in bed. A cool rainy Sunday and my family all tucked-in tight and still snoozing was pretty hard to resist. But The Hubs had been awesome enough to drive up to the lake the night before and dump all the rain out of the boat. I'm strong  - but not pull-a-kayak-full-of-rain strong. Luckily, he is.

The hardest part of the day (after getting out of bed) was attempting to get into the boat without getting my feet wet. Starting out my "Three Hour Tour" with soaked socks and shoes would have taken the paddle to a new level of suck. All I can say is that I'm glad no one was around. I wouldn't recommend the launch technique, but I only needed it to work once! ;)

So really the hard part was behind me. Now was just a matter of passing the time, but I quickly grew bored. I tried to stay close to shore in case of rain, but it all started looking the same.  Usually I have other boaters and general activity on/in the water to occupy my attention. But today, was just me and a few fishing boats. Seemed like an hour passed when my tracker announced I had been 1 mile in 20 minutes. This paddle was going to get LOOONNGGG....

Warm-up goal - head to Bird Island 

So I'm a person that needs a destination as a goal, and I wanted to paddle in the river current, so I decided to ignore the dark gray clouds and head towards the river section of the lake. And of course the further away I got from the safety of our bay and dock, the darker, windier and chillier it got.

I just gave myself short assignments like paddle hard as you can until you reach x. Or don't stop until you round the bend. Really the clouds were mostly all bark and just a little bite. I got rained on maybe about 10-15 minutes, and that was of course timed for right when I was out in the middle of a main channel. Thanks to a garbage bag as a skirt, most of my legs stayed dry. Only flaw to that plan was the occasional runoff water that slowly drenched my shins/socks/shoes. By the time I reached the safety of a cove, the wind had died down and the rain was reduced to a mist.

I was one hour in but really needed to cover new ground (or water) if I wasn't going to go bonkers with this assignment - so I headed back into a section of the lake that I had never explored. I had the best time! As soon as it was "new" scenery the time/miles started ticking by. I stopped paying attention to the weather and started enjoying the rarity of being truly alone. I'm not alone very often, and it's not something I seek out very often. But today, although I knew I was kayaking alone, it didn't occur to me that I was alone for the first 1.5 hours. My thoughts were so busy with worry about conditions, where to go, how much longer, what all was I going to have to get done at work this week and the family back at the house. So it's funny that the next 1.5 hours went by too quickly. I was actually sad the last 30 minutes, because I wanted to stay out on the water. I startled countless herons, paddled through grassy areas and became super curious about a few islands that are filled with bird houses - I even managed to run aground once b/c I was too busy looking around to notice that I was running out of water.


The end of the paddle, I was stoked for a few reasons. 1. I had completed the assignment. 2. I didn't let weather deter me. I'm not going to be able to control weather conditions in the Keys in November so why let weather impact training. 3. Three hours in and I felt great! Other than being hungry - I could have kept going.

and I will. 

So many people have been really encouraging to me these last few weeks. But I have certainly run into critics as well. Amazing how people feel entitled to share their opinion about my life, but I guess that is the trade off to sharing on this blog. Of course people will have opinions, but when brought to my attention, I will address. I've been told that I'm selfish for the time and money away from my family for this trip. But I would argue differently.

The hours and miles spent training for the Grand Canyon are some of the best memories I have with The Hubs, b/c he did all the training hikes right along side me. And he taught me. I had never really hiked. I wasn't "outdoors" type. When I announced that I wanted to hike the Grand Canyon, I had lived most of my life indoors. I was completely over my head, and he taught me how to be comfortable outside. We paid a fortune in babysitting back then, but my children had a blast with their sitters. It was really a win/win. But it's more than just QT during training. I've learned so many life lessons from preparing for endurance events and so much about myself through these trips. I'm excited to go on another adventure with Project Athena Foundation. Instead of being viewed as selfish, I'd like to think that getting up on a rainy Sunday because A). I have made a commitment with stated goals and B). I am striving for an active/fit lifestyle are both positive examples for my children. As for the money - we could all easily make a long list judging each other how we manage our finances, but the truth of the matter is this event is a priority for my family. My husband doesn't just simply go along with these things, he wholeheartedly encourages it (because he's awesome). Some may spend hundreds of dollars aimlessly shopping for anything/everything; we spend it on gear/supplies for activities, gym memberships and crossfit classes. One isn't better than the other, except one is what works for you and the other is what works for us. And the bonus to all my "selfish" activities is that my children are exposed to these activities and are becoming involved. My four year old can out-hike most kids twice her age. My 8 year old is pretty awesome managing an adult-sized kayak. So with that, we feel good about the time and money spent as a family. My weekend may look different from yours, but that doesn't make me selfish.

Key to the Keys

The last few years I have raised money for Project Athena Foundation an amazing organization that encourages women who've endured life-altering medical setbacks to unleash the Athlete and Adventurer within and complete the journey of a lifetime—whether that's to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, cross the finish line of an Ironman Triathlon, or fall into the arms of a proud family at the end of a local 5K. Project Athena provides travel expenses, entry fees, coaching, equipment and, most importantly, the encouragement and inspiration to help strong, amazing women make that life-affirming transition from Survivor to Athlete.

We’ve learned that people who are battling illness or injury often find their struggles overwhelm their identity. Through Project Athena Foundation, I have been blessed to realize that survivors can change that and be identified by their triumphs and accomplishments instead.

My commitment is to raise $2,500 for the future women who will benefit from Project Athena. I’ve been blessed to be a part of several excursions with this organization, and this year I will join three more survivors for a 100+ mile paddle/bike/run from Key Largo to Key West. These amazing women are using training for this trip as part of their recovery and regaining their sense-of-self.

My trip is in November 19-21, and my fundraising goal needs to be met by end of October. Contributions of any size are welcomed. While I love supporting this amazing group, I’m actually quite horrible at asking for money (which is why I’ve failed miserably at meeting my fundraising goals so far). 

But I love this organization so much, and I’m honored to have been a small part of their past adventures. If interested in supporting this group, the easiest way to donate on my behalf is directly on my FirstGiving page http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/pamelaharris-white/florida-keys-to-recovery. I want to be clear – I personally cover ALL of my travel, gear and training expenses related to the actual adventure. 100% of the money raised goes directly to Project Athena Foundation which is a 501c3 non-profit foundation.

I Suck at Blogging

It's been a year since I've sat down to write a post. Pretty certain that officially means that I suck at blogging. For the radio silence - I'm sorry. I've missed you. I've missed over-sharing all my struggles and accidental accomplishments with you. It's not you. It's me.

Here's the deal, life has been filled with blessings and a lot of insane chaos. I'm not going to whine about blessings, it's just in all the moving parts of the day - sitting down to journal is one of the easy gives to my schedule. But doing that meant a week turned into a month, which turned into 12 months... Here's the thing, Harder2Kill isn't my day job. I love my day job, but here's the odd part. I write for a living and work on social media campaigns during the day, it does seem like I should be better at keeping up with this blog. 

But even though my lack of posts might make one think I haven't been thinking about Harder2Kill - it's actually not true. It's a constant thought. It just keeps rolling over to "tomorrow's list." But its not just a lack of time. 

The move to Alabama was a homecoming for me, but it's been a complete life change for the entire family. One that has taken A LOT longer to settle in to our "new normal" than I would have ever guessed. Another change in the family dynamic is that I no longer travel for work as extensively as I used to (which is super awesome), but now it's The Hubs hitting the open road most weeks (a super bummer b/c the kids definitely seem to lose their minds each and every time he's not home! :) With all this, nutrition and fitness certainly took a backseat. So blogging about nutrition and fitness certainly didn't seem appropriate anymore. I'll get back to that. Past few months have been a blur of juggling work, life, family and training. 

So if you've met me - you know I have this peculiar aversion to moderation. Working out to workout - doesn't really work for me. I seem to need a larger-than-reasonable goal to work towards. So once again - I over committed myself to another Project Athena event. In November I'll join some amazingly awesome people to paddle, bike and run from Key Largo to Key West. 

So The Hubs is back to being my trainer and making completely gorgeous and detailed spreadsheets that seem to get tossed out the window every other day. Logging hours on bikes and in boats is certainly a challenge to anyone's bandwidth, but we are getting it done. A lot of other things have to give on the list. I really don't see anyone that I don't live with or work with. I'm not going to win any mother of the year awards anytime soon, and Southern Living will not likely knock on my door for a photo shoot, but I do believe my children are once again witnessing the importance of training for a large event. I'll cling to that as the upside. 

But let's revisit the intention of Harder2Kill. I said earlier that it was about nutrition and fitness - I'm not sure I really did that anyway. Harder2Kill is more just a journal of my struggles, desires and lessons learned (mainly the hard way) about nutrition and fitness. So with that creative license - if you'll have me, I'll try better to not suck at blogging any longer :)

Guest Post: Vanessa Spiller on Finding Your Grit

Vanessa Spiller. Grand Canyon '12

I've shared before that harder2kill was born from a combination of life events and meeting a few inspirational people along the way. One of those people is Vanessa Spiller. I met Vanessa in 2012 when she was the Survivor accompanying the trekkers on one of Project Athena Foundation's Rim to Rim to Rim Grand Canyon treks. From the moment I met her, she re-defined for me the meaning of Survivor. I'm blessed to count her as not only a friend, but also as a coach and mentor. IMHO she's a complete Badass - a term I only use in the highest regards and esteem - because that is what she is to me and so many others that know her. Vanessa is a breast cancer survivor! Who better to write a guest post during Breast Cancer Awareness Month than her? But she didn't just survive - she's a thriving example of living with intent, living with purpose, living with perspective and living with joy after cancer. 

She's an endurance athlete. Since meeting her in '12, she's checked Boston Marathon and NY Marathon off her list. She's completed multi-day adventure races, paddled/biked/ran from Key Largo to Key West and trekked R2R2R of the Grand Canyon like a boss! Although she's quick to dismiss any fuss made about her athletic accomplishments, her day job as a certified nutritionist and trainer certainly helps others to achieve their fitness and athletic goals. Last year she offered to go on a hike with me when training for GC trek #2 - I invaded her home for 3 days while she coached me, inspired me and lovingly kicked my booty on the Roller Coaster portion of the Appalachian Trail! 

I'm so glad to introduce you to Vanessa, we are all blessed that she is #harder2kill 

******

Finding Your Grit

grit \'ɡrit\ noun 

: courage and resolve; strength of character.

Synonyms:  courage, bravery, backbone, spirit, strength of character, steel, nerve, fortitude, toughness, hardiness, resolve, resolution, determination, tenacity, endurance.

This is how Mr. Webster defines grit. How do you define grit? I want you to really take a moment and think of the last time you demonstrated courage, a backbone, or endurance.  It doesn’t have to be something physical. Maybe it was facing a difficult conversation with a loved one. Or, maybe it was going outside your comfort zone at work. Or, maybe it was something physical like training for a marathon or any other endurance event that you just didn’t know how you would make it to that finish line. I challenge you to think about what life experiences have allowed you the opportunity to find out what you’re made of?  I’m guessing each one of us would have a different answer to that question. There isn’t any right or wrong answer—just an awareness.

I found my true grit three years ago when four words were spoken to me by a breast surgeon. “You have breast cancer.”  Like most people who have had this said to them will tell you, “I didn’t hear much of anything else after that.” I decided when Pamela asked me to write this for her harder2kill blog post that I didn’t want it to emphasize my personal story, but rather emphasize awareness of the disease and that there is life after cancer.

As most know, October is breast cancer awareness month. I’m ultimately grateful that there is a month dedicated to reminding people about this life altering disease.  Getting diagnosed with breast cancer, or any cancer is life changing and the healing doesn’t end when treatment is over. Over the last three years I’ve put my energy into helping women just like me understand that there is life after cancer.    

A cancer diagnosis made me sit up and take notice and find my grit.  What makes you dig deep and find your grit? Think about it, say it out loud, carry it with you and let it serve as a motivation to be the absolute best you can be. Think about what takes you courage to do. When do you most need a backbone? Where do you need or want to be more determined in your life? Where can endurance play a healthy role in your life?

I’d like to humbly dedicate this post to the many women whose lives have been touched by breast cancer. Here’s to them and to finding our grit!

Eat Naked (food)! Why I'm doing the October Unprocessed Challenge

I did it last year, and I'm doing it again. It is a perfect nutritional reset before diving into the madness of Holidays. If you are miserable, unhappy, tired or feeling like crap. It's likely your food. I won't get all preachy - y'all know my love/hate relationship with food. I'm barely out of the nutritional gutter myself, so certainly not in a position to preach from a soap box.

The truth is - I can vouch for how I feel when I eat clean. I can also describe how I feel when I'm wallowing in the nutritional gutter.

The experts explain it here. It'll take commitment and planning, but they give you the recipes and the shopping lists. That has always been the hardest part for me.

Alabama Pumpkins

I sat decorative pumpkins out today. Unreal. The fact that this is my first real-time post from Alabama is little bit of intention but mostly due to unintentional loss of time. Harder2Kill may have started to chronicle my fitness journey, but when our life turned upside down at the beginning of the year, Harder2Kill became my therapist. All of you became a part of our journey. For those who took time to read my posts, you either really care about us or just enjoy a train wreck. Either way - your notes, comments and encouragement was reassuring to us during a scary, uncertain and vulnerable time. For the 6 months of radio silence, I'm sorry. So much was changing on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis that leaving chronologically journal-ed proof of our mess was a level of TMI that even I was unwilling to share!

And while Harder2Kill hasn't been published in a while, my journal-ing continued. I just needed time before being willing and able to publish. Topics either drafted or just framed for concept have continued. I have 47 posts sitting in draft mode after my blogging hiatus. So much has happened in the last six months, but I'm ready to start sharing some of the posts that were written. All the others I'm working to group in somewhat of a logical order and will backfill those as I can. 

Cliff Notes Version of 2014

1. My job suddenly ended on December 30th. Happy New Year.

2. Spent January scared to death while trying not to freeze to death. Polar Vortex.

3. Spent February focused plotting next career phase. Pimping Ain't Easy.

4. March brought two amazing professional opportunities. One was local and one required a major move for the family. Why take the easy path? Half the family moved to Alabama, while the other half remained in Illinois to finish the school year. I started my new job. Queue the Circus! 

5. April required and all of us to dig deep and attempt to settle into our New Yet Temporary Normal phase. Chaos was our normal. So was FaceTime. 

6. May got long. Really Long. Everyone was missing someone. Summer break couldn't get here quick enough! Come on summer!

7. June - School FINALLY over for my son. He was able to make the move to Alabama. It was a mixed blessing for my Husband. His hard days were only just beginning. He packed, sold, stored, and moved all of our belongings AND sold our house within three weeks! He literally carried the weight of our family on his shoulders. Total badass in my book!

8. July - With the house sold and other loose ends tied off - my husband boldly decided it was time resign his position of 20 years and explore what new career possibilities could unfold for him here. Still a total badass in my book! 

9. August - The Hubs joined the family in Alabama, and for the first time in months we were living under the same roof. School started back for my son and we entered the New, New Temporarily Normal phase. We'll we ever be normal? 

10. September - Just a whole lot of normal life. Queue the Happy Dance sequence! 

So here we are. It's October, I'm staring at pumpkins unable to absorb how quickly 2014 has sped by. Enjoy the back-filled posts. I welcome anyone interested in taking the journey with me. For those of you hoping for a train wreck, you'll not be disappointed either :) 

I don't give a sh!t - and why that should scare you.

Not caring. It is an emotion that should set off buzzers and red flag warnings to all around you. Complacency threatens your desire for more, for different, for better. Equally threatening is indifference. When you truly could care less about an outcome, you've already given up. If allowed, complacency will permeate into all aspects of life and numb you. I've seen it so many people. I've seen it in myself.

Work, relationships, health - it is all vulnerable. Shield yourself from the corrosion that complacency can cause.

I believe if I can continue to make a concerted effort to be better each day, then I can keep complacency from polluting my outlook.

I recently shared that I had allowed old habits to rear back up. I heard myself saying things like, "what's the point, it doesn't matter, who cares?" I'm speaking from experience. The moment you realize you are having those thoughts, immediately examine it further. Don't dismiss it. Find the point. Figure out how it matters and certainly identify who should care. Then please promise me that you will run to the nearest mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Determined eyes shine bright. Complacent eyes have no life in them. Don't let complacency snuff the light from your eyes.

Warning: This Blogger will Self-destruct

I've handled the move well. I've handled the separation of my family as well as possible. I've handled my new job pretty well too. What I've not handled well at all is my commitment to fitness.

Not only did my commitment to fitness take a backseat. I bound it, gagged it and tossed it in the trunk. If I happen to overhear the muffled cries of my fitness calling for help, I turned up the radio so that I could pretend my bad choices weren't stacking up.

With my commitment to fitness hijacked - I started down an all-too-familiar road of crappy food. Steamed squash turned in to squash casserole. Grains, bring them on! Eventually I became use to the intestinal discomfort that happens every single time. Dairy, Sweets! Oh yeah! Pile it on! After living strict Paleo, I tossed it all.

Maybe I should analyze the Why, but even knowing why doesn't undo it. If you know me at all by now - you realize moderation really isn't my thing. It is a concept as foreign to me as reading hieroglyphics.

Even as I felt the clothes grow more snug, I kept eating. As the clothes without "give" sank to the back of the closet, I kept eating. As the ones with "give" became my staple, I kept eating.

I finally put myself on the scale. 25 lbs. Unreal. But I didn't stop there. I kept eating. Even as I stopped enjoying food. I kept eating.

I think I'm a sane and reasonable person. But then I read my own words and think, "Pamela - you have issues!"

So I've  topped out at 29 lbs gained since moving to Alabama. I have no one to thank but myself. I'm going back to what works for me. Grain & dairy free and no refined sugars. This isn't a size thing. Truth is my body is happier and I'm healthier when I live that way. I know I'll get the new poundage off. I always do. Well almost. It's the trend of self-destruction that concerns me. Why do I repeatedly get myself so close to success and then start self-destructing?

Sweet Home Alabama

It's been a busy few weeks. So much so, keeping up is even a challenge for The Hubs and I. But I have exciting news! The Hubs resigned earlier this month and wrapped-up his job this week! I'm so proud of him. He's daring to explore what is next for him. Now we can all be together and be back to one family under one roof.

When I lost my job on December 30th it affected more than just me. It has literally had an impact on our entire family. To support me in my new job, The Hubs is sacrificing his.

I know there is an amazing plan for him. God has been present in every step along the way for us throughout this entire year. The Hubs will now get to do something that most people never have the chance to do - he gets to plan an entirely new career for himself. He's been a chemist for 20 years. He's ready for a new challenge. And while the uncertainty is unnerving for him, I know there are great opportunities in store for him.

For the first time since March we all now live in the same state! Sweet Home Alabama never sounded so sweet!

Owning, selling and buying

We sold the house today. Amazing when you consider that it was never officially for sale. I think it is just one more glowing piece of evidence that God has all of this under his control. We truly broke every rule to selling a house, and yet here we are with signed papers.

The house is fantastic on a fantastic street in a fantastic community. I'm happy for the new owners. They are getting amazing home. But that house stopped being home for us months ago. The last few weeks have been a labor of love to get moved out so that we could literally move on. By selling our home, we are buying into the possibility of a whole new life.

The Hardest Falls Happen the Fastest

As a mother, I spend a large portion of my energy attempting to keep my children safe. From food to playgrounds to sports, I'm constantly surveying potential danger. It's exhausting, but I've been convinced that my vigilance keeps them safe from harm. Until it didn't.

My daughter broke her arm. I was less than 5 ft away and I was staring right at her. But that didn't keep her from landing on her arm and breaking it.

All the guilt, anxiety and sheer exhaustion from spending most of the night in the ER of Children’s Hospital washed away the moment I saw this face looking up at me. I couldn’t snap the picture quickly enough. Her arm was broken, but her smile was not.

I’m watching her compensate for her cast. (As an aside, I want to hug the person that invented the waterproof cast! At least she could still swim and play in the water.) She misses her bike and scooter, but for the most part she hasn't missed a beat. In fact, she takes a lot of pride in her cast. She happily shows it to anyone she sees, and refuses to wear her sling because she doesn’t want her cast to be covered.

Children are resilient, and I now understand that if we escape the childhood years with only a fractured arm, than we will be blessed beyond measure.

Hello, Good-bye and Oh No!

He's here! He's here! My son, Coppertop,  has made the move to Alabama! Father's Day weekend was certainly bitter-sweet for The Hubs. On one hand we all got to spend the weekend together. We met up in Paducah to celebrate Father's Day but it was also the coordinated hand-off for Coppertop to come back with me and Miss C.

Departing on Sunday was hard on everyone. Emotionally and physically. Sunday was the day we dreaded all weekend long. It usually is on our weekends together, but this one was made even more difficult by the fact that The Hubs and I both got a touch of food poisoning from our dinner the night before. We were both sick. It was misery. I'll spare you the TMI, but compounding the struggle was the fact that we both had 300+ miles to drive. I had the added challenge of driving with two children with me. It was a monumental effort for us to pack-up, load-up and hit the road that day. On the bright side, it kept the good-byes very matter-of-fact. We couldn't get emotional. We were too dehydrated. To make  matters worse, I got sick while driving down the road and the only option was to grab the plastic tub that held my daughter's toys.

If looks could have killed, I would have been left for dead on the side of a KY interstate. I'm exhausted, dehydrated, struggling to focus on driving and all I hear for the next 100+ miles is Miss C yelling at me for "frowing-up" on her toys. I'm not sure I'll ever be forgiven.

It is ironic that it was Father's Day weekend that we determined would be the best time for Coppertop to move to Alabama. Of all weekends for The Hubs to return home without his family. I'm sad for him, but we know it is necessary. One more milestone met.

Now with both children here, my heart is almost complete. The main focus now is for The Hubs to finalize the house projects.

There's no place like home

We've been home this week!! It's not about being back in this house that makes it feel like home. It is the fact that for the first time in months, we are all back under one roof. That is proof that anywhere we all are is home. I love this house, but it's just a building. It's only home when we are all here together.

Being "home" is exactly what we all needed. Attending my son's baseball games, bus stops, car line, I've happily done it all! It's been great to watch my daughter visit with her friends and teachers. I think she was most excited to be back in her bedroom. We are truly a family this week and all of the beautiful insane chaos that comes with that.

The house is actually more of a warehouse right now - 1/2 boxed for storage and the remaining items are either slotted for donation or heading to Alabama at a later time. The Hubs has been busy. Even he says without all of us there, it stopped feeling like home to him.

It has been an amazing blessing to have this week together. It interesting to watch a house become a home and then seeing it turn back into a house again. Home Sweet Home is truly where all of us are together. For now that will have to be in motels on the weekends that we can. Next milestone is for my son to wrap the school year and join us in Alabama as soon as possible.

Regress, Progress and a Big Ol' Mess

We are in a difficult stretch right now. We are one family living two separate lives. The Hubs and my son are still living the "old life", while my daughter and I are living our "new life". It is very difficult to feel connected as a family.

As far as our "new life" I'm finding myself regressing a bit with my commitment to nutrition and fitness. I'm falling into old trappings of eating out, sleeping in and putting off the workouts. Regress.

My new job is going well. I think I will never run out of things to learn. It is exciting and fulfilling. At the same time, The Hubs is handling the "old life" like a boss! The boys have their "new normal" and he has a sidekick that helps him with all "gotta sell this house" type of projects. Progress.

As part of selling the house, there is the complication that we aren't simply packing up location A and moving to location B. We have the added dilemma of needing to put 85% of our house into storage. Figuring out what you still need to live for the next few months, what gets moved to Alabama, what gets stored and how all of if gets out of the house is one Big Ol' Mess. 

1/2 Happy

We've been apart for eight weeks. We've all been missing each other. We all stay adequately busy during the days, but at night the emotions take their toll. My daughter gets tired and cries for her daddy. My son asks how many more days until he comes to Alabama. It's usually really late at night before I can steal anytime away for a catch-up call with my husband.

My son is busy playing baseball. My husband is busy coaching him. Both are busy packing up boxes, studying and year-end scout activities. Yet even with technology, there is no substitute for being there. Great days and Great news - seem less great when you try to retell the story at a later time. For now even on our happiest days we can only manage to be 1/2 happy. 

And then there are the rumors. Most can be dismissed. Some we've even laughed at, but the line was crossed when my child had the "D" word explained to him by another child at the bus stop. In this case the child was only repeating what he had heard his parent say. I get it. We've been a bit vague. Not everyone gets to be in the loop. It is necessary. But for those who know the truth, and choose to spread gossip, shame on you. Sadly, this was the case. The truth is really less interesting. 

Soon enough, people will have to find someone else's life to speculate about. Our family separation is nearing an end. That day can't get here soon enough. We know this is all temporary. But I'm looking for the day we get to be complete again. The truth, while disappointing to the gossipers, will reflect that we are indeed still happily married and very much committed to each other and our family. 

All The Single Ladies

My hats off to all the single mothers. You are strong. You are determined. You are a fighter. You are focused. I admire your abilities very much. I'm a terrible single mom. No this isn't an attempt for you to convince me that I'm better at it than I realize. It is true. I am completely spoiled by The Hubs.  The Hubs is more than my children's hero. He's my hero too. He makes me a better person. Without him - I'm just a selfish, immature and rash version of my adult self.

So now that we are living 700+ miles apart, the selfish, immature and rash person is running around this house unchecked. As the weeks turn in to months, the hissy fits are increasing. The meltdowns are increasing. The unwillingness to backdown to logical reason is increasing. I wish desperately that I was describing my three year-old here and not myself.

The Hubs is a steady, even keeled balance to my personality. He's practicality counters my love for indulgence. His calm counters my excitability. His need to plan counters my willingness to swan dive off of cliffs. He's the anchor my flightiness needs. I'm not easy to love. I'm really not easy to live with, and I can't imagine liking me much if I weren't me.

The mornings are difficult. The evenings are even harder. I need my partner. I pretty much suck without him.

Save the drama for your mama

The Mother/Daughter relationship is complicated. Within five minutes you can fight, love, cry, and rejoice with each other. There is no shortage of opinions, advice, running commentary and constructive criticism around here - coming from all sources. Most of the time my mom knows what I'm thinking, and I know what she's thinking. We can actually fight silently, which is completely off-putting to my husband. He only had brothers. So the complexities of Mother/Daughter communication is new to him. 

One of the reasons that our move to Alabama can be handled in phases, is the blessing of having my mom's house as our temporary lily pad. It is a blessing that I'm forever grateful for. But it doesn't come without challenges. We currently have three generations of Mother/Daughters living in one house. That is a recipe for Hot Mess Soup! As I watch my very strong-willed daughter dig her heels in with my very stubborn mother, I just laugh. And I hide. 

So far we are all living to tell our versions of the stories to anyone who will listen, but I can't help but remind my mother of all the times that she wished for me "to have a daughter just like me". Karma. 

Most of our days are pretty good, and I'm loving all of the time that my daughter and mom are having together. She's never had the "everyday grandparent" experience. So far in my children's lives, Grandparents were only people you saw on special occasions, but now my mother and daughter are building a relationship with each other. The fact that she is old enough to remember these days with my mom is a blessed time that I will look back on and be grateful for.

Fearing Success

I have First Day Jitters. I start my new job tomorrow. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if no one sits with me at lunch? What if I get lost? What if they meant to hire someone else? I can seriously continue with the "What if "questions all night. So I'm doing the only thing I know to do and over-sharing with you here.

My last "first day" was over 12 years ago. I was so settled-in to the organization and my role. Neither is necessarily a good thing. I knew the moving parts. I knew where the bodies were buried. Again, not necessarily a good thing. For better or worse, I knew what was expected of me. 

There is something comfortable about the "known", but that also leads to complacency. So far 2014 has been a constant stream of "unknown" and tomorrow is no different. 

The new company has an amazing reputation - both in their industry and within the community. I find comfort in that. The challenge of what I'm being asked to do certainly falls within my comfort zone. However it is to a scale that I could have only dreamed of previously. 

And while I was one of the veterans at my old company, I wasn't insulated from change. I had a constant stream of new bosses. In twelve years, I had 15 bosses. Apparently I'm difficult to manage. If I base my self-confidence on my last boss, I'm sunk before I start. So I'm wiping that from my mind. New bosses are nothing new, except this time it is an entirely new industry to learn. Am I too old to learn?  

So how do I do this? Learn new industry, new-ish town, new company and new colleagues? 

This opportunity is everything we prayed for. It is the very scenario that friends described for me when trying to encourage us. People would say things like, "you are going to get a new job that is even more amazing, more challenging, more rewarding." On your scariest days, you want to believe them. You hope beyond hope that they are correct. The scariest part of receiving the very blessings you pray for, is the idea of messing it up. A million more "What if's...." pollute my thoughts. What if I'm handed this blessing then fall on my face in failure. What if I screw up? We are disrupting our entire family for this opportunity. 

My Dad constantly told me, "The safest place to be is in the center of God's will." I find myself repeating his words, and trying not to trip over my own insecurities.