I Suck at Blogging

It's been a year since I've sat down to write a post. Pretty certain that officially means that I suck at blogging. For the radio silence - I'm sorry. I've missed you. I've missed over-sharing all my struggles and accidental accomplishments with you. It's not you. It's me.

Here's the deal, life has been filled with blessings and a lot of insane chaos. I'm not going to whine about blessings, it's just in all the moving parts of the day - sitting down to journal is one of the easy gives to my schedule. But doing that meant a week turned into a month, which turned into 12 months... Here's the thing, Harder2Kill isn't my day job. I love my day job, but here's the odd part. I write for a living and work on social media campaigns during the day, it does seem like I should be better at keeping up with this blog. 

But even though my lack of posts might make one think I haven't been thinking about Harder2Kill - it's actually not true. It's a constant thought. It just keeps rolling over to "tomorrow's list." But its not just a lack of time. 

The move to Alabama was a homecoming for me, but it's been a complete life change for the entire family. One that has taken A LOT longer to settle in to our "new normal" than I would have ever guessed. Another change in the family dynamic is that I no longer travel for work as extensively as I used to (which is super awesome), but now it's The Hubs hitting the open road most weeks (a super bummer b/c the kids definitely seem to lose their minds each and every time he's not home! :) With all this, nutrition and fitness certainly took a backseat. So blogging about nutrition and fitness certainly didn't seem appropriate anymore. I'll get back to that. Past few months have been a blur of juggling work, life, family and training. 

So if you've met me - you know I have this peculiar aversion to moderation. Working out to workout - doesn't really work for me. I seem to need a larger-than-reasonable goal to work towards. So once again - I over committed myself to another Project Athena event. In November I'll join some amazingly awesome people to paddle, bike and run from Key Largo to Key West. 

So The Hubs is back to being my trainer and making completely gorgeous and detailed spreadsheets that seem to get tossed out the window every other day. Logging hours on bikes and in boats is certainly a challenge to anyone's bandwidth, but we are getting it done. A lot of other things have to give on the list. I really don't see anyone that I don't live with or work with. I'm not going to win any mother of the year awards anytime soon, and Southern Living will not likely knock on my door for a photo shoot, but I do believe my children are once again witnessing the importance of training for a large event. I'll cling to that as the upside. 

But let's revisit the intention of Harder2Kill. I said earlier that it was about nutrition and fitness - I'm not sure I really did that anyway. Harder2Kill is more just a journal of my struggles, desires and lessons learned (mainly the hard way) about nutrition and fitness. So with that creative license - if you'll have me, I'll try better to not suck at blogging any longer :)

Guest Post: Vanessa Spiller on Finding Your Grit

Vanessa Spiller. Grand Canyon '12

I've shared before that harder2kill was born from a combination of life events and meeting a few inspirational people along the way. One of those people is Vanessa Spiller. I met Vanessa in 2012 when she was the Survivor accompanying the trekkers on one of Project Athena Foundation's Rim to Rim to Rim Grand Canyon treks. From the moment I met her, she re-defined for me the meaning of Survivor. I'm blessed to count her as not only a friend, but also as a coach and mentor. IMHO she's a complete Badass - a term I only use in the highest regards and esteem - because that is what she is to me and so many others that know her. Vanessa is a breast cancer survivor! Who better to write a guest post during Breast Cancer Awareness Month than her? But she didn't just survive - she's a thriving example of living with intent, living with purpose, living with perspective and living with joy after cancer. 

She's an endurance athlete. Since meeting her in '12, she's checked Boston Marathon and NY Marathon off her list. She's completed multi-day adventure races, paddled/biked/ran from Key Largo to Key West and trekked R2R2R of the Grand Canyon like a boss! Although she's quick to dismiss any fuss made about her athletic accomplishments, her day job as a certified nutritionist and trainer certainly helps others to achieve their fitness and athletic goals. Last year she offered to go on a hike with me when training for GC trek #2 - I invaded her home for 3 days while she coached me, inspired me and lovingly kicked my booty on the Roller Coaster portion of the Appalachian Trail! 

I'm so glad to introduce you to Vanessa, we are all blessed that she is #harder2kill 

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Finding Your Grit

grit \'ɡrit\ noun 

: courage and resolve; strength of character.

Synonyms:  courage, bravery, backbone, spirit, strength of character, steel, nerve, fortitude, toughness, hardiness, resolve, resolution, determination, tenacity, endurance.

This is how Mr. Webster defines grit. How do you define grit? I want you to really take a moment and think of the last time you demonstrated courage, a backbone, or endurance.  It doesn’t have to be something physical. Maybe it was facing a difficult conversation with a loved one. Or, maybe it was going outside your comfort zone at work. Or, maybe it was something physical like training for a marathon or any other endurance event that you just didn’t know how you would make it to that finish line. I challenge you to think about what life experiences have allowed you the opportunity to find out what you’re made of?  I’m guessing each one of us would have a different answer to that question. There isn’t any right or wrong answer—just an awareness.

I found my true grit three years ago when four words were spoken to me by a breast surgeon. “You have breast cancer.”  Like most people who have had this said to them will tell you, “I didn’t hear much of anything else after that.” I decided when Pamela asked me to write this for her harder2kill blog post that I didn’t want it to emphasize my personal story, but rather emphasize awareness of the disease and that there is life after cancer.

As most know, October is breast cancer awareness month. I’m ultimately grateful that there is a month dedicated to reminding people about this life altering disease.  Getting diagnosed with breast cancer, or any cancer is life changing and the healing doesn’t end when treatment is over. Over the last three years I’ve put my energy into helping women just like me understand that there is life after cancer.    

A cancer diagnosis made me sit up and take notice and find my grit.  What makes you dig deep and find your grit? Think about it, say it out loud, carry it with you and let it serve as a motivation to be the absolute best you can be. Think about what takes you courage to do. When do you most need a backbone? Where do you need or want to be more determined in your life? Where can endurance play a healthy role in your life?

I’d like to humbly dedicate this post to the many women whose lives have been touched by breast cancer. Here’s to them and to finding our grit!

Eat Naked (food)! Why I'm doing the October Unprocessed Challenge

I did it last year, and I'm doing it again. It is a perfect nutritional reset before diving into the madness of Holidays. If you are miserable, unhappy, tired or feeling like crap. It's likely your food. I won't get all preachy - y'all know my love/hate relationship with food. I'm barely out of the nutritional gutter myself, so certainly not in a position to preach from a soap box.

The truth is - I can vouch for how I feel when I eat clean. I can also describe how I feel when I'm wallowing in the nutritional gutter.

The experts explain it here. It'll take commitment and planning, but they give you the recipes and the shopping lists. That has always been the hardest part for me.

Alabama Pumpkins

I sat decorative pumpkins out today. Unreal. The fact that this is my first real-time post from Alabama is little bit of intention but mostly due to unintentional loss of time. Harder2Kill may have started to chronicle my fitness journey, but when our life turned upside down at the beginning of the year, Harder2Kill became my therapist. All of you became a part of our journey. For those who took time to read my posts, you either really care about us or just enjoy a train wreck. Either way - your notes, comments and encouragement was reassuring to us during a scary, uncertain and vulnerable time. For the 6 months of radio silence, I'm sorry. So much was changing on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis that leaving chronologically journal-ed proof of our mess was a level of TMI that even I was unwilling to share!

And while Harder2Kill hasn't been published in a while, my journal-ing continued. I just needed time before being willing and able to publish. Topics either drafted or just framed for concept have continued. I have 47 posts sitting in draft mode after my blogging hiatus. So much has happened in the last six months, but I'm ready to start sharing some of the posts that were written. All the others I'm working to group in somewhat of a logical order and will backfill those as I can. 

Cliff Notes Version of 2014

1. My job suddenly ended on December 30th. Happy New Year.

2. Spent January scared to death while trying not to freeze to death. Polar Vortex.

3. Spent February focused plotting next career phase. Pimping Ain't Easy.

4. March brought two amazing professional opportunities. One was local and one required a major move for the family. Why take the easy path? Half the family moved to Alabama, while the other half remained in Illinois to finish the school year. I started my new job. Queue the Circus! 

5. April required and all of us to dig deep and attempt to settle into our New Yet Temporary Normal phase. Chaos was our normal. So was FaceTime. 

6. May got long. Really Long. Everyone was missing someone. Summer break couldn't get here quick enough! Come on summer!

7. June - School FINALLY over for my son. He was able to make the move to Alabama. It was a mixed blessing for my Husband. His hard days were only just beginning. He packed, sold, stored, and moved all of our belongings AND sold our house within three weeks! He literally carried the weight of our family on his shoulders. Total badass in my book!

8. July - With the house sold and other loose ends tied off - my husband boldly decided it was time resign his position of 20 years and explore what new career possibilities could unfold for him here. Still a total badass in my book! 

9. August - The Hubs joined the family in Alabama, and for the first time in months we were living under the same roof. School started back for my son and we entered the New, New Temporarily Normal phase. We'll we ever be normal? 

10. September - Just a whole lot of normal life. Queue the Happy Dance sequence! 

So here we are. It's October, I'm staring at pumpkins unable to absorb how quickly 2014 has sped by. Enjoy the back-filled posts. I welcome anyone interested in taking the journey with me. For those of you hoping for a train wreck, you'll not be disappointed either :) 

I don't give a sh!t - and why that should scare you.

Not caring. It is an emotion that should set off buzzers and red flag warnings to all around you. Complacency threatens your desire for more, for different, for better. Equally threatening is indifference. When you truly could care less about an outcome, you've already given up. If allowed, complacency will permeate into all aspects of life and numb you. I've seen it so many people. I've seen it in myself.

Work, relationships, health - it is all vulnerable. Shield yourself from the corrosion that complacency can cause.

I believe if I can continue to make a concerted effort to be better each day, then I can keep complacency from polluting my outlook.

I recently shared that I had allowed old habits to rear back up. I heard myself saying things like, "what's the point, it doesn't matter, who cares?" I'm speaking from experience. The moment you realize you are having those thoughts, immediately examine it further. Don't dismiss it. Find the point. Figure out how it matters and certainly identify who should care. Then please promise me that you will run to the nearest mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Determined eyes shine bright. Complacent eyes have no life in them. Don't let complacency snuff the light from your eyes.

Warning: This Blogger will Self-destruct

I've handled the move well. I've handled the separation of my family as well as possible. I've handled my new job pretty well too. What I've not handled well at all is my commitment to fitness.

Not only did my commitment to fitness take a backseat. I bound it, gagged it and tossed it in the trunk. If I happen to overhear the muffled cries of my fitness calling for help, I turned up the radio so that I could pretend my bad choices weren't stacking up.

With my commitment to fitness hijacked - I started down an all-too-familiar road of crappy food. Steamed squash turned in to squash casserole. Grains, bring them on! Eventually I became use to the intestinal discomfort that happens every single time. Dairy, Sweets! Oh yeah! Pile it on! After living strict Paleo, I tossed it all.

Maybe I should analyze the Why, but even knowing why doesn't undo it. If you know me at all by now - you realize moderation really isn't my thing. It is a concept as foreign to me as reading hieroglyphics.

Even as I felt the clothes grow more snug, I kept eating. As the clothes without "give" sank to the back of the closet, I kept eating. As the ones with "give" became my staple, I kept eating.

I finally put myself on the scale. 25 lbs. Unreal. But I didn't stop there. I kept eating. Even as I stopped enjoying food. I kept eating.

I think I'm a sane and reasonable person. But then I read my own words and think, "Pamela - you have issues!"

So I've  topped out at 29 lbs gained since moving to Alabama. I have no one to thank but myself. I'm going back to what works for me. Grain & dairy free and no refined sugars. This isn't a size thing. Truth is my body is happier and I'm healthier when I live that way. I know I'll get the new poundage off. I always do. Well almost. It's the trend of self-destruction that concerns me. Why do I repeatedly get myself so close to success and then start self-destructing?

Sweet Home Alabama

It's been a busy few weeks. So much so, keeping up is even a challenge for The Hubs and I. But I have exciting news! The Hubs resigned earlier this month and wrapped-up his job this week! I'm so proud of him. He's daring to explore what is next for him. Now we can all be together and be back to one family under one roof.

When I lost my job on December 30th it affected more than just me. It has literally had an impact on our entire family. To support me in my new job, The Hubs is sacrificing his.

I know there is an amazing plan for him. God has been present in every step along the way for us throughout this entire year. The Hubs will now get to do something that most people never have the chance to do - he gets to plan an entirely new career for himself. He's been a chemist for 20 years. He's ready for a new challenge. And while the uncertainty is unnerving for him, I know there are great opportunities in store for him.

For the first time since March we all now live in the same state! Sweet Home Alabama never sounded so sweet!